Letting Go of the Old Me: The Freedom in Surrender

For much of my life, I clung tightly to old versions of myself. Some of those identities were real — pastor, professional, perfectionist. Others were illusions I built to hide behind — the mask of “I’ve got this,” the flawless circle I thought I had to present to the world.

The truth? Carrying those old identities became exhausting. They didn’t protect me — they trapped me. They kept me stuck in shame, regret, and ego.

Shedding Old Identities

In recovery and in life, I’ve learned that surrender isn’t about giving up. It’s about letting go of who I thought I had to be so I could make room for who I truly am.

The old me chased perfection, control, and approval. The old me thought surrender was weakness. The old me resisted change at every turn.

But each time I loosened my grip — even just a little — I discovered freedom. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to grow. Freedom to be honest.

Permission to Let Go

For years, I didn’t allow myself to think beyond the traditions and beliefs I inherited. To even entertain different perspectives felt like betrayal — of my seminary professors, my parishioners, even my family.

But holding so tightly to that old version of me came at a cost. It kept me locked in guilt and fear. It left no space for growth.

What I’ve learned is this: giving myself permission to explore, to challenge, to ask the hard questions, isn’t about abandoning everything I once believed. It’s about opening the door to freedom. Even if I had ended up in the same place, the act of questioning would have been liberating.

Letting go of the old me meant loosening my grip on certainty. It meant surrendering the need to appear unshakable. And in that surrender, I discovered something unexpected: freedom to evolve, freedom to be honest, freedom to become.

The Paradox of Surrender

The paradox is this: when I stop clinging to the old me, I don’t lose myself. I find myself.

In Buddhist practice, it’s like emptying a cup. If it’s already full — with ego, fear, and old identities — there’s no room for anything new. But when I pour it out, even just a little, I create space for wisdom, compassion, and growth.

Living the Freedom

Surrender doesn’t happen once. It happens daily. Each day, I let go of the version of me that thinks he has it all figured out. Each day, I choose presence over perfection. Each day, I surrender the need to control outcomes, and instead live with openness.

And in that letting go, I’ve found something unexpected: freedom.

Not freedom from responsibility or from life’s challenges, but freedom within them. Freedom to show up as my authentic self. Freedom to evolve. Freedom to belong to this moment.

Closing Reflection

Letting go of the old me isn’t loss — it’s liberation. It’s the courage to surrender what no longer serves me so I can step into who I am becoming.

That’s the gift of surrender: it opens the door to freedom.

Some reflections are meant to be read, others to be heard. Watch the full video version here: